Ok so I dunno how I'm supposed to feel after breaking up with someone. I'm supposing really bad. I really did like this person but it wasn't until recently when we were around other people that I came to realize how different we are. On the outside we had so much in common but when things went deeper, how he interacted with other people just kinda appalled me. He didn't care what other people thought and I tried to protect him from doing things so they wouldn't come back to bite him in the ass. Nowadays you have to give a shit about what others think. You never know when you'll see them down the road or even if you will. Then seeing how he interacted with my friend was kinda weird. He was never like that when we first met. I dunno. It was like he was flirting with her. I come back from the bathroom and they're armwrestling? kind weird. the rooms big enough thazt two people can be in there and not in eachothers face but whatever. I have to sleep now I'm too damn tired for this. I'll try and write more tomorrow.

Laters

Ah, another day, great. Well the good news is that my roomate has moved out and Galetto, my neighbor, is moving in. So I cleaned the room from head to toe after I came back from the gym. I guess it was final considering after school I came back to an empty room, just didn't expect it that soon. Anyways, Galetto as we call her is awesome and we're both smokers so it outta work out. Her first names really Ashley but hey everyone calls me Poppy so eh. I've volunteered for yet another duty. This time, I'm in charge of special effects for this concert at our school. Special effects was not the name I gave it, it barely even scratches the surface of such things but hey wtf right? Atleast it sounds cool. And I get to mess with lights and such.

Hmmm I need a shower from working out and getting covered in dust from my room. My nose seriously itches and is running. Fuck allergies man, honestly! God I need a cigarette. I wish that package from my boyfriend would get here damnit. He's mailing me cigarettes only because A. I go to a boarding school and I can't get out till the weekend and B because I'm poor lol wait wait and C. because I left a pack at his house. Can't wait till it gets here. Man I need a tissue, this is disgusting. LoL. I really need to get out of here. So I'm working this weekend then I'm off the next and get to go see my bf.

I'm starting to get really annoying and fed up with people constantly saying sorry for shit. I mean little petty shit and then asking if everythings alright. It really pisses me off when people act or ARE stupid like pretend they don't know what I'm talking about when I explain something. I'm at a point where I obviously don't want to take the time to explain it ALL again. NOT THE PITY TRIP!!! Damn...I'll just go, leave you alone, I'm obviously being a bother. ANSWER: no u don't have to leave but it would be great of you would just fucking pay attention to what I'm saying and not keep asking me what is wrong or what's bothering me. Damn all it seems I do is complain. Well I guess this is just the place for it. It's like talking to a wall where no one can scream back at you, or if they do (leave a comment) I can just lightheartedly delete it.

Alright everybody here the greatest question of all time. AM I FAT? On second thought I think we'll skip that question...way too much controversy and considering I don't even have a picture up yet, the only response I'm going to get is from my bf saying of course I'm not fat and he loves me the way I am. Of course this is reassuring and I love hearing that and maybe deep down some part of me doest believe that. But maybe that part of me has settle into my subconscious.

I feel like I'm freaking out. I feel dirty from needing a shower, my head itches from sweating, my hands feel dry and dirty like I need to wash them or do something with them. My OCD is starting to overcome me at this very moment. I feel I should scream and it will make it all go away, make the world stop and NOT notice me, just give me a chance to restart everything. Wow I've already written all that? I just started writing this damn thing. Maybe I have too much to complain about and should just shut the fuck up.

*as a side note I do want to tell Justin that I'm sorry for anything that might have offended him in this blog. Nothing was meant towards him and I do love him very very much. I never want to lose you, Justin, and I'm sorry everything is working out the way it is. But then again nothing is ever easy. Love you babe.